Nicknames

Stereotypes and generalities are particularly useful in the dating world. If you and your friends are all dating, lots of guys can come and go and shortcuts are very helpful during storytime. Nearly every guy we've dated has had a nickname, at least at first. As in, "I went out with the German again last night.." And like any indie rock band, they often start with "The".

Some favorites I've heard/had:

The Republican
The Construction Worker (who later became The Stalker)
The Skater Kid
The German
The Baby (aka Weenie)
The Drummer
The Scottish Artist Guy
Jewish Dude
Jerry (looked like Seinfeld, but was not)
The Other German

A+ for effort but..

Have you ever had someone try really hard to do something nice for you and it completely backfired?
I was dating a guy who normally was very unsupportive of the vegetarian thing (not that hard to support, btw) but he finally turned around and decided to make me a vegetarian dinner from scratch. It was a huge deal: he was going to make risotto, which judging by the immense amount of time it took to cook, is not an easy thing to do. And this was the first dinner he'd ever made without any meat at all. No meat whatsoever. A meat-free meal. Totally vegetarian, just for you, honey.
Except that as he was proudly stirring I saw him pull out chicken bouillon cubes and plop them in. Here's what went down:


Me: "Oh, hey... is that chicken bouillon?'

Dude: "Yeah, but don't worry, there's no chicken in it."

Me: (long pause and an awkward smile) "Um, actually, I'm pretty sure there is. That's what it is.. chicken."

Dude: "No, no way."

Me: "Read the ingredients."

Dude: (sees chicken is first and basically only ingredient) "Whaaa?? Oh nooo! Dammit!"


Tough call, but I ate the risotto. And eventually broke up with the dude. 96% unrelated.

The perils of proximity

Geography can very easily knock someone of your dating pool. If you live in Brooklyn and he lives on the Upper West Side, you have to ask yourself if he's really, truly worth the crap commute. But if someone you're dating does happen to live close by, it's super convenient and fun - you can drop by thier place, grab a quick bite after work, meet for brunch, meet in the park, go on spontaneous bike rides, whatever.

BUT what you never think about during that time of sunshine and butterfly kisses is how terrible proximity can be after the breakup. You'll run into that guy in the subway, after work, at brunch, in the park, everywhere.

Space is good.

But not too much. (Talking to you, Harlem...)

You must have good profile pics

One of the nice, dependable things about online dating is the anonymity. Only once or twice have I stumbled across a profile of someone I actually know in the real world and even then it was just a guy that I think works in the same industry as me. Not brother, best friend or boss. But even more bizarre than that is running into someone that you recognize only because you've seen their profile on a dating website. (Which, incidently, goes to show they take accurate profile pics, and bravo sir.)

You see them at a concert or on the subway and realize ohhh that's totally that guy from that site.... he liked indie rock music, is from Ottawa or something and lives in Park Slope. Sooo the question is: do you say hi? Because if it's NOT them, here's the worst case scenario:

"Hey - are you on nerve/iminlikewithyou/Jdate/whatever? Oh, you're not MickeyD203? No? Oh sorry... What? Oh yeah, it's just a um, a da..social networking site. Sooo, anywhooo... you look just like someone on there. Ha. Yeah."

AWK! Even in the best case scenario you'll end up looking creepy and desperate because you're the one who recognized him even through you're both on the same exact da...social networking site. Fantastic.

One thing I did do to ensure you won't see me again after date one

Drank 10+ alcoholic beverages (in under 10+ hours)

Five things you can do to ensure I won't see you again after date one

5. Label me a "moron" for not being a Republican

4. Talk about your (very specific type of) pornography collection

3. Sincerely bring up our future children/wedding/house/dog/divorce/sex life

2. Mock me for being a vegetarian and then try to sneak meat into my dish

1. Drink 10+ alcoholic beverages (in under 10+ hours)

Chronological questions

What's your name? How old?
Wow, so you're from Australia?
Do I feel tongue ring?