Five things you can do to ensure I won't see you again after date one

5. Label me a "moron" for not being a Republican

4. Talk about your (very specific type of) pornography collection

3. Sincerely bring up our future children/wedding/house/dog/divorce/sex life

2. Mock me for being a vegetarian and then try to sneak meat into my dish

1. Drink 10+ alcoholic beverages (in under 10+ hours)